Life Is Juggling Many Balls
You're bound to drop one now and then
Source: craiyon.com (free image)
I often subject you, my dear reader, to the depressing state of affairs humanity has blundered its way into during this flailing century. The embarrassingly large part of our population’s penchant for acting in self-destructive ways makes it hard not to focus on the abysmal. But there is still levity in the world. Our health depends on not forgetting that.
So in an effort to keep you alive and well, here are a few chuckle-worthy moments.
Whose balls, now?
The COVID pandemic was an epic tragedy made worse by mismanagement at the highest levels of government and profiteering by big business and billionaires. It was decidedly unfunny. But sometimes, even when trying to do the right thing, the wrong thing came out of official mouths.
In May of 2020, Nassau County, NY Executive Laura Curran learned this the… um… hard way. During a news briefing—whose reach only lengthened after Curran massaged her message in a rather fumbling way—she discussed what one can and cannot do with balls during the ongoing crisis.
She began in a matter-of-fact way, trying to set the tone for what was coming:
So if we are following the guidance right now from the US Tennis Association, and if we get more rules handed down from the state, of course we will adjust accordingly. But, I will fill you in on what those rules are.
Things started to take a turn when she outlined how people were allowed to play. She began, “singles only, no doubles… unless they're from the same household.”
Seems sensible; keep people from collecting in groups while a mysterious virus was floating around. Those living together were probably already exposed to each other’s bugs anyway, so treating the household like a single entity was reasonable.
But, the rules instantly got awkward. Here is what she spit out next:
[Everyone] has to bring their own [t] balls, so that you don't touch other people's [t] balls with your hand. You can kick their balls, but you can't touch them. If you're playing with someone in your household, you can't touch those [t] balls to avoid, to avoid confusion between whose balls are whose. You can use a marker, like a sharpie, to mark out or to put an X, or to put someone's initials on them.
To be fair, the ‘[t]’ marks where she said tennis, but let’s be honest. No one heard that. They just heard it how it was depicted here. For proof, look no further than the reaction of the cops standing behind and to her sides.
This was everyone’s reaction to that press conference. Images sourced from Sean on YouTube.
Thank god the days of having to X our balls are over. I wonder, are we still allowed to kick the balls of others?
Masterdating
When I take a girl out on a date, and I do, she knows she’s been dated. Capital D. Bold face, underline, like Day-ted… I think I might have a little concussion, I’m going to go lay down for a while. —Leonard on the Big Bang Theory
In 2023, various outlets started reporting on a new TikTok trend they called ‘masterdating.’ According to Psychology Today:
Masterdating is essentially going out on dates by yourself… carving out time to self-reflect, to actually taking yourself out on a full-blown elaborate date. You can masterdate in the privacy of your own home, a restaurant, a theater, a spa, a ballgame, the park, or basically anywhere.
The term is obviously a play on words for the other thing you can do to yourself. Though, it is inadvisable to do that thing in a restaurant, a theater, a spa, a ballgame, the park, or basically anywhere, other than your own home or maybe a fertility clinic.
As a concept, masterdating seems more sad than funny. That is, until psychologists tried to break it down. The article continued,
Assuming that you can convince yourself to go on a date and don't play hard to get, masterdating can help train you to feel more comfortable doing things alone… Since you really can't ditch yourself, you might as well learn about who you really are.
You are locked-in once you commit—apparently—but you might play coy with yourself at first. How does that work, exactly? “Should I take myself to dinner? … Oh, I don’t know… am I buying me steak?”
Anyway, the author of the piece, Bruce Lee (no, not that Bruce Lee; this one has an MD and MBA), also thought masterdating could improve “your dating life, specifically, the kind of dating that you do with other humans.” If you’re into dating non-humans, then masterdating may be an expensive exercise in futility, I guess. Though, in that case expense might be the least of your problems.
For intraspecies romance, however, it will help you answer this question:
How do you know whether your preferences are being driven by what friends, co-workers, entertainment, advertising, social media, and other influences around you may be telling you?
Like with all things, moderation is key. Dr. Lee offered a warning on exploring yourself too much:
You could even masterdate regularly. Of course, you don't want to find yourself masterdating obsessively. Life is about balance.
Is this second base? (Photo by Divaris Shirichena on Unsplash)
Hi, bro, how did you get here?
About a week ago, residents of Cape Town, South Africa came face-to-face with a curious tourist. A young male southern elephant seal was seen lumbering through the busy suburb, Gordon’s Bay—a very long way from home.
This fella was of modest size—experts estimated 4,400 pounds (1,995 kg). Fully grown, these mammals are monsters. Adult males can reach an astounding 8,800 pounds (3,991 kg) and 20 feet in length. By comparison, the next largest seal—their northern cousin—maxes out at about half that size.
As the beast waddled his way through town, locals came out and took photos and videos. One woman exclaimed, “This is unreal. Hi, bro, how did you get here?” Uninterested in responding, the seal took a rest on the hood of a police car instead.
Source: CNN on YouTube
This did not deter people from speculating about the seal’s motives, maybe after a few puffs on the Devil’s Lettuce. Tee Skyy surmised that “Bro just wanted some human interaction, it probably wanted some chicken Licken.”
Yeah, I thought that meant something very different at first, but it turns out Chicken Licken is a soul food chain founded in Johannesburg. The uncapitalized ‘C’ in the comment makes a big difference.
Maradona Promise wondered: "What if he were on a secret mission from the sea to observe humans?” Secret?! He weighed as much as a car, and lounged on at least two of them in the middle of traffic.
Owi Jayson was a bit more controversial, concluding that “Bro took a well deserved break from his yapping girlfriend.” Nooo comment.
Locals named the big boy ‘Gordy,’ from the town’s name. An official from the SPCA dubbed him an “unexpected visitor.” Indeed.
After extensive effort, wildlife officials captured the wanderer and returned him to the sea. As far as I can tell, they did not charge Gordy for their services. Some of his Antarctic neighbors have not been so lucky…
When the bill comes due
Everyone knows that penguins have been taking advantage of us forever. Those tuxedo-wearing motherfuckers are so smug. ‘look at us, we’re formal.’ —Jeff Tiedrich
Okay, I can’t help wrapping this up by throwing some cynical shade. It is, after all, a regular theme here.
Rational people the world over agree that the current US President is an idiot. As such, he provides an endless torrent of nonsense to mock, though it’s often not that funny because of the vast number of people his stupidity is harming or will harm eventually.
One gaffe, however, opened the door for relatively safe ridicule. Recently, he imposed tariffs on two remote islands, Heard and McDonald, that are inhabited almost exclusively by penguins. On at least one of them, humans have not set foot for nearly a decade. The lesson: don’t make policy decisions using shitty AI operated by morons. In any event, the resulting criticism was hilarious.
Newsweek led with this headline:
The outlet’s opening paragraph was equally amusing:
A group of Antarctic penguins is set to become the unlikely face of international dissent following a new United States trade policy that targets remote, uninhabited islands.
There was a serious point to the story that had little to do with tariffs, it just might have been missed amid all the contextual idiocy.
Nexta TV, an eastern European news agency, was both cheeky and derisive:
Even penguins got hit by Trump — but not Russia… These volcanic landmasses, owned by Australia, have no vegetation and are home only to colonies of penguins. Which specific goods from this territory Donald Trump decided to slap with a 10% tariff remains unclear.
Rachel Maddow speculated about those ‘specific goods’ on her television show:
Those volcanoes and the penguins and seals who live there, they will never menace the American economy again as they have in the past by flooding us with their cheap exports of... what? Fresh air, cool breezes, a waft of eau de penguin?
On Xitter, the handle Canada Hates Trump posted an image (probably fake, but who knows) of the US President surrounded by penguins. It captioned it with:
10% tariffs. Beautiful tariffs. And the penguins - big, strong penguins - come up to me, tears in their eyes: ‘Sir, please, no tariffs. We can’t compete with American penguins.’ But I say, ‘America first.’ They don’t like it, but it’s happening.
It helps to know that the president regularly starts many of his wholly bullshit stories with descriptions of people tearing up. The only confirmed cases of people crying at his mere presence, however, were his lawyers who were forced to endure his rampant judicial flatulence.
Economist Justin Wolfers posted:
Impressed the crack White House economic team not only found the Heard and McDonald Islands—an uninhabited Australian territory which is a two week sail from the mainland requiring a permit to visit—but that they managed to figure out the optimal retaliatory tariff to impose on penguins.
Another user offered some reasoning behind the choice to impose tariffs on one of the islands: “[Trump] saw 'McDonald' and got excited.”
I have no idea where that ridiculous correlation came from. (Credit: The U.S. Sun).
But the prize goes to Jeff Tiedrich.
Following a clip in which Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick proclaimed with mind-numbing sincerity, “[The European Union] hate[s] our beef, because our beef is beautiful, and theirs is weak,” Tiedrich wrote:
In twenty-five years, we’ve gone from ‘they hate us for our freedoms’ to ‘they hate us for our beef.’ I guess that’s progress. Hey, maybe that’s why the penguins got tariffs. Those fuckers won’t eat our beautiful beef.
Enjoy the laughs while you can, world.
Is that penguin mocking us or speaking to his accountant? Photo by Bob Brewer on Unsplash
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